To do the right thing and to discard the wrong option is such a hard, hard matter.
Many times, it is truly easier said than done. Believe me.
I'm not speaking about others. I'm not trying to argue about how good or bad another person is. I'm telling you about myself, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, currently. It's so hard. Really.
Everywhere inside this fragile physical body, there are so many huge tsunami of conflict, tearing me apart into two. My faith & aql reason out to do the right thing while my heart & desire urge me to execute the opposite, constantly, determinedly.
When I'm ready to start on a journey on the joyful wrong road, my faith cries bitterly, sorrowfully for His blessings and rahmah. When I opt to walk the proper long aisle, my heart & desire gravely, longingly weep in frustration for the other far end.
For countless number of times in my life, tonight, it happened again.
I have to choose between doing the right thing He wants me to do and the very tempting worldly pleasures.
O Allah...hear me out. Truly You're The All Hearing, The All Knowing.
I'm one of Your believers, so much in need of You.
I'm always not strong enough to carry out Your amanah. I always fail to fight back my desires. I did You wrong, innumerous times.
I pray to You, O Allah...soften my heart so that I faithfully submit to You and guard my desires so that it conforms to Your sunnah. Now and always.
I got back to my room, surprise, as my room mates quickly came to get me at the door, "Where did you go, sister? Everyone is so worried about you." I didn't know they were worried about me since my mobile phone ran out of battery. All I could give was a guilty smile. "I'm so sorry to worry everyone. I didn't realize this."
While this one room mate kept on telling how uneasy they were feeling all evening, the other gazed at me, looking less anxious. She brought in my laundry bag without saying a word and ushered me inside.
"You're doing the right thing," she reassured me when she came to know what happened. She could guess where I was and what I was doing during my absence.
I can't tell where did I get this uncommon strength. A believer's willingness to carry out things according to His wish. A Muslim's desired accomplishment. A great success.
It is something I sought after. My life purpose which needs to be maintained and fought for, every now and then.
It was a bitter decision but I don't know why, my heart feels peaceful.
Deep inside, a voice keep on telling me, "Things will be ok, things will be fine, insyaAllah."
p/s: I'm so sorry I can't tell you what the decision was about. I do want to share but there things best kept to ourselves.
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2 comments:
Decisions in life are often hard, it can sometimes be so easy to take the easy way out and it can take a strong spirit to take the more difficult right way, whatever your decision was about, I applaud you for having that strength :-)
Thank you, Kevin. I don't always find it. But when I do, it's something words can't convey. I pray to The Almighty, may you, too, have the strong needed spirit to take the more difficult right ways life brings to you. Amin. =)
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